I haven’t written of this in detail, I never and still do not have words for my feelings; or where to start.
I guess the beginning would probably be best.
Around 3 yrs ago the first LOVE of my life committed suicide. Although I was and still am married; this was a life changing event for me. The death of everything that “could have been, might have been and NEVER will be”. I can not express the LOVE that I had/have for this man, right or wrong. He is still the first person I think of every morning and the last every night.
During this time of overwhelming grief I was doing any thing and everything trying to heal my soul. This, unfortunately, lead me to destructive behavior. To make a long story short, during this time I made an unforgivable mistake. I CHEATED on MY HUSBAND with a man I used to go to school with. He is US Army service man who had just came home from Iraq (at that time). We had been chatting on FB over his last couple months there, and came home just a week after my friends suicide. I attended a welcome home party for him; over the next few weeks we became closer until one night things crossed lined.
Wanting nothing more than to for get this horrible mistake, to bury this “dirty little secret”, I vowed NEVER again would I allow this to happen. My husband is a WONDERFUL man and I do NOT deserve his love.
Shortly after, I’d say 6-10 months, my younger sister comes by and is so excited for a date she has that following weekend. To my dismay, guess who it was…. I was sick all week and knew that I needed to tell her before their date what happened. So I did.
I cried I told her EVERYTHING, completely honest. Knowing my sister as I do I expected her to immediately cancel her date. I was also curious why is this man trying to date my sister. Did he really think that I would not tell her?
Unfortunately my sister kept her date knowing the truth. Never telling him what she knew, and well he obviously wasn’t going to tell her, he probably figured if she didn’t say anything about us then she didn’t know.
For the next few months I had numerous conversations with my sister, during all I cried and wished that I could change the past. Not for her but for my husband. Eventually trying to hold back my shame and knowing that my sister was going to continue to date (build a relationship) with this person, I had to come clean with my husband. So one day after yet ANOTHER conversation with my younger sister about the situation (that was not going to end) I went home and told my husband; I never told him with who, just that it had happened. Were able to work through it thank god.
My sister is now ENGAGED to this person who represents one of the biggest shameful times in my life. She asks me to be “happy” for her, and partake in the wedding festivities. As I told her, “I have no choice. If I am not in the wedding, red flags will go up with everyone we know.”
But there was/is the lingering issue for me. She nor her Fiance have approached my husband with the truth.
My feelings are that EVERY time they stand before him they are lying; I am as well which was what I was trying free myself of. I do not know where to go from here. My younger sister has always been an inspiration to me, now I am to the point with both of my sisters (I have older sister as well, who thinks there is nothing wrong with this relationship) that I find myself wanting to distance my self from BOTH of them. I am angry and can not for see living with this anomosity for the rest of life. I just want to run away and start a new life, far away.
I started this BLOG to put my self out there and hope that others could “light” my way, get other point of views. BUT I didn’t FOLLOW TROUGH…which is TOTALLY NOT out of character for me..
Like I stated in my “about” section; my life has forever been changed by the death of my ONLY son’s Father, “Big Eric” (I always called him “George”)…lol…that’s another story though.
So to the real point of this post…MY SON…what information do I relay to him (Lil Eric) NOW or how long do I wait to communicate the POSITIVE things that I personally experienced; also how much and what information to share (for now at least).
“Big Eric” passed away nearly 1 1/2 years ago. It has taken that amount of time for me to remember MOST of the GOOD times that he and I went through TOGETHER. For this entire time I have ONLY been able to remember “negative” times. But some how recently ONLY GOOD MEMORIES HAVE FILLED MY HEART. Experiences that I feel will help Lil Eric in his healing process.
Most times I am so scared to “Upset” Lil Eric by bringing up his Dad. But on the other hand I know he has questions that only I can answer. Questions that he feels I am not emotionally ready to handle. How SAD that my baby boy WORRIES more about ME than HIMSELF during his own time of grieving the loss of his father.
PLEASE HELP ME…my son is 18…almost 19, and he (Lil Eric) is excited about life. Lil Eric wants to start planning his future, he’s a beautiful soul….I am BLESSED to have him in my life; GOD knows I DO NOT Deserve.
I REALLY hope to hear some opinions, hate, love, indifference, ANYTHING… Lay it on me…I deserve that and more.
Bless ALL who read this…Please post comments…xoxo