My heart is torn between the LOVE I feel with my husband…and the LOVE/LUST I feel for another. Another?!?!
Who is another???
I do not know…
Past love that I have not recognized?
A past love who has passed on to the other side…
How am I to know?
They are both soooo familiar…
FINALLY…how do I know the difference…my heart aches…
Where do I go from here…
Please HELP me….
I have been reading previous blogs by many bloggers….
Do you believe that you have one true love?
Do you believe that you may/do have that one true love?
Can you honestly say you have never looked at/lusted/wished/dreamed or fantasized of another?
As humans we have all of the above…the respect you have for another or the love you feel for them… determines what you will do with those feelings…
HOWEVER the single readers have nothing to be ashamed of…as long as you have no previous commitment to another…LIVE, LAUGH, and pay attention to those who’s paths you cross…you wouldn’t want you to pass up the love of a lifetime…
I haven’t written of this in detail, I never and still do not have words for my feelings; or where to start.
I guess the beginning would probably be best.
Around 3 yrs ago the first LOVE of my life committed suicide. Although I was and still am married; this was a life changing event for me. The death of everything that “could have been, might have been and NEVER will be”. I can not express the LOVE that I had/have for this man, right or wrong. He is still the first person I think of every morning and the last every night.
During this time of overwhelming grief I was doing any thing and everything trying to heal my soul. This, unfortunately, lead me to destructive behavior. To make a long story short, during this time I made an unforgivable mistake. I CHEATED on MY HUSBAND with a man I used to go to school with. He is US Army service man who had just came home from Iraq (at that time). We had been chatting on FB over his last couple months there, and came home just a week after my friends suicide. I attended a welcome home party for him; over the next few weeks we became closer until one night things crossed lined.
Wanting nothing more than to for get this horrible mistake, to bury this “dirty little secret”, I vowed NEVER again would I allow this to happen. My husband is a WONDERFUL man and I do NOT deserve his love.
Shortly after, I’d say 6-10 months, my younger sister comes by and is so excited for a date she has that following weekend. To my dismay, guess who it was…. I was sick all week and knew that I needed to tell her before their date what happened. So I did.
I cried I told her EVERYTHING, completely honest. Knowing my sister as I do I expected her to immediately cancel her date. I was also curious why is this man trying to date my sister. Did he really think that I would not tell her?
Unfortunately my sister kept her date knowing the truth. Never telling him what she knew, and well he obviously wasn’t going to tell her, he probably figured if she didn’t say anything about us then she didn’t know.
For the next few months I had numerous conversations with my sister, during all I cried and wished that I could change the past. Not for her but for my husband. Eventually trying to hold back my shame and knowing that my sister was going to continue to date (build a relationship) with this person, I had to come clean with my husband. So one day after yet ANOTHER conversation with my younger sister about the situation (that was not going to end) I went home and told my husband; I never told him with who, just that it had happened. Were able to work through it thank god.
My sister is now ENGAGED to this person who represents one of the biggest shameful times in my life. She asks me to be “happy” for her, and partake in the wedding festivities. As I told her, “I have no choice. If I am not in the wedding, red flags will go up with everyone we know.”
But there was/is the lingering issue for me. She nor her Fiance have approached my husband with the truth.
My feelings are that EVERY time they stand before him they are lying; I am as well which was what I was trying free myself of. I do not know where to go from here. My younger sister has always been an inspiration to me, now I am to the point with both of my sisters (I have older sister as well, who thinks there is nothing wrong with this relationship) that I find myself wanting to distance my self from BOTH of them. I am angry and can not for see living with this anomosity for the rest of life. I just want to run away and start a new life, far away.